In Loving memory of my dear gu ma, Wu Xiu Zhen (1948 - 2004)
approximately 3 hours after my previous entry, that was ironically about my aunt, the much feared eventuality i mentioned earlier manifested itself, in the form of a cold, expressionless but serene looking carcass. my aunt had passed on in her sleep that night. i had always imagined how this scenario would actually be, now that it has been unfortunately realised, i find myself in a reality check. I dun seem to appear as upset as what i would have previously expected myself to be. would that be a result of a closure, that of an appeased conscience? or is this simply a case of subdued emotions? i really really dun know, but i feel very weird though. i felt totally lost and aimless earlier in the morning, it was worse than sadness, it was an emotional void. an irreplacable one left with only memories of gu ma to and not the reality that she would be there to witness my rite of passage in a month's time, my graduation, my marriage. yet in the afternoon, i find myself insulating my state-of-being from all emotions. i just imagined that nothing happened, had lunch and watched a stephen chow movie on tv. i guess the nature of her hasty funeral arrangements had pretty much to do with this as well. at this very moment, we are awaiting her cremation at 1715. it wasn't that we didn't feel, i just didn't had the time to feel i guess. While we are grateful about the serene and apparantly painless nature of her demise, we mourn the loss of someone so intergral in the family. her gastronomical cooking, her loud and cheerful laughter, the beautiful embroidary creations, her perfect knowledge of even what is reported in the most obscure chinese newspaper colummns, even her iconic sarcasm, and her fussy nature. that was gu ma.
i may not have realised it when i was younger, but gu ma was more than a babysitter since the day i was born. she was a mentor. it was her credit that i have a decent command in chinese after the countless monologues she spew on when since the time when i was a toddler. it was her credit that i had an early start in learning current affairs and general knowledge. At age 7, she tried to explain what the USSR (su lian) was, what nuclear weapons (yuan zi dan) are and even the socio-economics about why Russia's choice of political reform preceding economic reform made it a negative example of a reforming communist state as compared to china. i really cannot estimate what a huge impact she made on my early life.
societal structures do not favour singles they said. yet our family is a perfect role model of how even singles can feel intricately bonded to their extended family. being single all her life, gu ma devoted all her attention on me, treating me as her own, so much so that it kinda got on my nerves when i was younger. my parents too, never treated her like an outsider. she is definitely a intersecting cloth bonding our family fabric together. this was why i get fucking pissed when ppl in camp keep question my need to stay out or even my need for compassionate leave when 'it's only JUST your auntie'
i hear kids running around, apparantly it's cosin raymond playing with nieces claudia and ashley. perhaps i can be true. with an objective perspective, death need not be treated with doom and gloom, it is but an end, and rightfully happiness should be the epilogue of celebrating having lived through a fruitful life and not mourn over the future that wasn't to be.
and so it went, in our own way perhaps that exonerates grief apparantly, we celebrated and thanked gu ma over the wonderful memories and impact she had on us. i kissed her left cheek just before the undertakers took her away, thanking her for all she did, and kneeling down in front of the door while the undertakers carried her away, we all cried, (i had never seen my father cry before prior to this), and with just and not neccessary sorry, we celebrated a life well-lived, and gratified ourselves with the knowledge having spent a huge part of our lives with such a wonderful personality. gu ma, (aunt-mother), she is an aunt in kinship, but really a mother to me.
'nature's first green is gold,
her hardest hue to hold
her early leaf's a flower, but only so an hour
so leaf subside to leaf, so eden sank to grief
so dawn sets down to day
nothing gold can stay'
the day we celebrated and always will: 230304
i may not have realised it when i was younger, but gu ma was more than a babysitter since the day i was born. she was a mentor. it was her credit that i have a decent command in chinese after the countless monologues she spew on when since the time when i was a toddler. it was her credit that i had an early start in learning current affairs and general knowledge. At age 7, she tried to explain what the USSR (su lian) was, what nuclear weapons (yuan zi dan) are and even the socio-economics about why Russia's choice of political reform preceding economic reform made it a negative example of a reforming communist state as compared to china. i really cannot estimate what a huge impact she made on my early life.
societal structures do not favour singles they said. yet our family is a perfect role model of how even singles can feel intricately bonded to their extended family. being single all her life, gu ma devoted all her attention on me, treating me as her own, so much so that it kinda got on my nerves when i was younger. my parents too, never treated her like an outsider. she is definitely a intersecting cloth bonding our family fabric together. this was why i get fucking pissed when ppl in camp keep question my need to stay out or even my need for compassionate leave when 'it's only JUST your auntie'
i hear kids running around, apparantly it's cosin raymond playing with nieces claudia and ashley. perhaps i can be true. with an objective perspective, death need not be treated with doom and gloom, it is but an end, and rightfully happiness should be the epilogue of celebrating having lived through a fruitful life and not mourn over the future that wasn't to be.
and so it went, in our own way perhaps that exonerates grief apparantly, we celebrated and thanked gu ma over the wonderful memories and impact she had on us. i kissed her left cheek just before the undertakers took her away, thanking her for all she did, and kneeling down in front of the door while the undertakers carried her away, we all cried, (i had never seen my father cry before prior to this), and with just and not neccessary sorry, we celebrated a life well-lived, and gratified ourselves with the knowledge having spent a huge part of our lives with such a wonderful personality. gu ma, (aunt-mother), she is an aunt in kinship, but really a mother to me.
'nature's first green is gold,
her hardest hue to hold
her early leaf's a flower, but only so an hour
so leaf subside to leaf, so eden sank to grief
so dawn sets down to day
nothing gold can stay'
the day we celebrated and always will: 230304
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