final answer?

Ah! juz came back from duty. met up with trev, xander and sow chen on tues night, the night before my duty. sow chen picked me up on his dad's car, a red lexus. it feels kinda weird, i mean it wasn't the first time i sat in a fren's car, but for sow chen, a buddy who has such an immature disposition (unlike xander in his kek seh way =), it's really hard to imagine that happening, it's not really the driving, but really the reality that we have all in our own way, insidiously spawned into adulthood. then we met trev and xander. on a quasi-melacholic note, that might be the last few times the four of us can really get together in a long time. trev's leaving for new zealand somewhere in late jan, xander might still go overseas if he can fucking make up his mind and not change again and again. and i might go britain too if i can fucking stop procrastinating and hand up the bloody ucas. sow chen would probably stay home. four buddies, four different places. sigh..... would true friendship and brotherhood stay thick without constant gatherings? or would it be blanded by the tides of time? and btw, trevor completed his AIOC and finished second in class, an outstanding feat considering that he's an nsf and the only 2lt among the top 3, the other 2 are cpt. that's the trevor we know, a natural leader, full of confidence, focused, and nothing can detrack him from his goals if he puts his heart and soul to it. xander. always altering his life values at various stages of his life. may appear flippant, but still is a go-getter and has a general direction in life. shawn. un-ambitious, does not seek immense success but instead seek personal fulfillment. he once said that his dream is to learn forever. airy-fairy maybe, but nevertheless, at peace with himself and is slowly but surely moving towards his dreams. what about me? i'm not sure what i want to do with my life, unsure if what i choose might be suitable for me, ambivalent about what's gonna happen in the next few years. hell, i can't forsee anything in the forseeable future. i have doubts with myself, i never forsee myself succeeding in anything. i would want to pursue my dream and spiritual fulfillment over financial success, but it begs the question that i've problems answering too. what is the fucking dream that i have? or what is the fulfillment i need? i am totally ambivalent of the goals i have in life, that is if they even existed. perhaps that's what they would consider an existentialist....the sad beings who live life just becos they were conceived as a by-product of a moment of pleasure.....i sort of given up on my life since 16. i hate to use success as a yardstick to measure the self-worth of an individual, but unfortunately, i cannot convince myself to acquit me of my self-judgement, that of a useless under-achieving, procrastinating bum .... simply on the basis of my academic failures.... maybe i could someday....someday.