the aristocrats (WARNING: extremely crude content)

the aristocrats has been referred to as "the world's funniest joke" and "the world's most vulgar joke." It may be either depending on who's telling it, who's listening and the innumerable variations upon the theme. It is rarely told the same way twice. it is a joke incomparable in terms of shock value, slapstickness or even pure grotesquery depending on the way you see it.

either way, one thing for sure, it's definitely a very popular joke with an entire website dedicated in collecting all known variations of the aristocrat joke. perhaps one of the most popular version might be the southpark version told by eric cartman. you can see the vid clip of the joke being told by cartman here. there's even a documentary dedicated entirely to featuring a 100 variations of this joke. and believe it or not, this film was actually premiered in the 2005 sundance film festival.

the most amazing thing about the joke is that it is a joke with an anti-punchline. so dun worry if you can't get the punchline, cos' i din either. which is why the essence of the humor in the joke lies in the ability for each individual teller to adapt the story. it is perhaps the anti-climatic ending which makes it so different and malleable. the punchline is nothing more than an excuse to embellish the joke with any gross details, limited only by the imagination of the teller.

the ability to appreciate humor is perhaps one of the definining traits that sets humans apart from animals who are non-sentient beings (though one may argue that the line between human and animals is blurred given the grotesque context of this joke at least!). anyway, jokes are a very integral part of every culture and seeing how details from a same joke on a redneck is transformed into one about an ah-beng is perfect example of how beyond the differences in culture, humour is the universal language that binds all of us together. it is probably also why beyond every culturally relative gesture, a smile is always perceived to be a friendly, non-antangonistic gesture.

so without further ado, allow me to present to you, the singapore variation of the aristocrats:
(ahem.)

* DO NOT proceed if gross jokes offend you







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The Singaporean Aristocrats

The NDP organising committee is selecting participants to perform for the next NDP parade. Presiding over the selection commitee is an SAF Colonel. An old 2nd warrant officer walks into the committee hearing with his young pregnant wife, his teenage son and daughter and his maid. The 2WO (2nd warrant officer) salutes the Colonel and says: "Sur! Purmission to take part in the show segment for NDP, SUR!".

The Colonel was rather surprised, and replied: 'Oei! wake up your idea understand! You're an SAF personnel, if you want, you get yourself involved in the parade segment. Where got SAF personnel do show segment one, you tell me?'

The 2WO replied: "Pleaaase, Sur! i old alreadi, going to retire liao. i always wanted to the parade RSM but never every get selected cos' my rank too low and my voice too high, cannot give proper commands. this is my last year in service, so can i perform in the show segment with my family?"

The Colonel thought about it for a while and replied: "Sorry, still cannot, given the sensitive political climate now with a new change in PM, the last thing we need is for one family to run an entire show segement for the NDP. You want us to kenna accused us of being nepotistic issit!!".

The young Thai wife of the 2WO whom the 2WO met when he was posted to the SAF's training base in Thailand (like many other Warrant Officers) pleaded in her Thai-accented English:
"Pleassse Sirrr! My husbond work in SAF long long no chance to perform. He going to retire, so no more monney. we got so many kids. no monney cannot feed. If we get chance perform, and perform well, can get performing contract so no need scared no monney...pleaassee sirrr..."

The Colonel and the 2WO go back a long time ago when they first met went the Colonel was still a PC in the same camp as 2WO. The Colonel suddenly remembered how he was indebted to the 2WO when one night, while he was 'having his way' with one of the recruits in his platoon and got found out by the 2WO who was on BOS duty. It was the 2WO who covered the whole thing up and prevented the Colonel from being charged for 302.

The nostalgia and gratitude overwhelmed the Colonel and he finally relented, and says: 'Ok, you show me your act first, if good enough then can.'

The 2WO was overjoyed, spinned back immediately and did a double clap to signal to his family to get ready to perform. And with lightning speed, stripped his No.4 uniform and underwear down to just his boots and beret. In his shrill voice, he started shouting drill commands at the top of his voice 'Hormat, Senja Ta!'. And amazingly, in a split second after giving that command, he got an erection - one that's at 90 degrees parallel to his body, not unlike a rifle at an arms salute, ostensibly as a salute to the Colonel.

The wife also promptly stripped down and in an amazing feat managed to squeeze the baby out of her womb using the sheer strength of her cheebye in one solid fluid motion. The baby then went flying out and dangled out of the womb with only a umbilical cord holding it and preventing it from flying any further. The 2WO went on the explain the significance of the action in surprisingly perfect english: 'this is the metaphoric display signifying that of the birth of our nation and the attainment of self-governance after 1959 election'.

At this point of time, the daughter started licking the asshole of the 2WO while the son stripped down as well with the 2WO's parade pace stick stuck up his ass the 2WO then went on to push the pace stick in and out of his son's butthole using his right hand while using his left hand, proceed to push the baby in and out of his wife's cheebye.

The 2WO explained it saying "I'm a military man, this is a surrealistic tribute to my life in the SAF, having had to kiss the ass of my superiors as protrayed in the ass licking, and getting fucked up the ass for my mistakes as with the pace stick, and the baby is symbolic of the featherlight used to pull through rifle barrels as symbolised by my wife's birth cannal - one of the most fundamental thing every soldier has to learn".

And after a while, the 2WO started to penetrate the baby's asshole using the pace stick while the son when on to shit all over his mother, and smearing it all over her body, and the baby while moving in and out of the mother's cheebye bit off the umbilical cord and flew out of the mother's cheebye and in an amazing display of strength pushed the pace stick out of his ass. The 2WO then turned back to the Colonel and went to explain: "This bitting off of the umbilical cord symbolises how the decision by our enlightened leaders to break away from the Federation of Malaysia after discovering that our future will be full of shit if didn't."

Then the 2WO went on to swing his wife around and shouted another drill command 'Utuk Depressant Datang Senja Ta!' With arms drill precision, the son and the 2WO went to double penetrate the wife's cheebye doggy style while the daughter went on to give the baby son a blowjob while fisting the asshole of her mother. All these steps done in perfect timing with the 2WO giving signals of '1 check, 1 check, 1 check 1 check 1! And while penetrating and being penetrated, the whole family (except the baby of course) started singing 'Stand up, for Singapore, do it with a smile' with a happy expression on their faces. After finish their rendition of Stand Up for Singapore, the 2WO went on to explain saying "This symbolises the period of rapid industrialisation of the Singapore economy during the 70s to the 80s, as seen with everyone, young and old working hard to get a piece of action."

At this point of time the maid who has been standing away from the action all this while suddenly started stripping and started putting on a strap-on dildo. The son and the 2WO, now visibly tired, stopped penetrating the wife and the maid took over. In an unbeliveable contortionist posture, the maid started to penetrate the wife's cheebye in a reverse missionary style while arching herself 180 degrees backwards to french kiss the wife. While despite being gagged by the maid's tongue, the wife was desperately to shouting and squirming "I'm a stayer! I'm a stayer, not a quitter!!"

Upon doing getting fucked by the strap-on, the wife's cheebye got even wetter and started pouring out torrentially. The daugther then took out a pail to collect her mother's cheebye zup and started bathing herself, the baby and the rest of the family in her mother's 'essence'. While the 2WO and son could only watch on and masturbate themselves.

The 2WO, now clearly trying to fulfill his dual role as both the performer and narrator went on to explain saying "After the golden period of Singapore's industrialisation ended, our esteemed leaders saw the need to bring in foreign talent and we responded to their call. With the expertise from our foreign talent, we are now able to enjoy the riches of our new economy...nevermind the fact that we can only sit back and not join in the action.'

Then, the son and the 2WO went out of the room briefly and returned with one of those huge industrial generators and a gianormous 3 feet long, 20 cm in diameter vibrator which is connected to the generator as its power source. The logo on the industrial generator and vibrator clearly shows that it is being manufactured by Singapore Technologies. The daughter then went on to smear her cheebye with an entire bottle of NTUC brand kaya, seemingly like what people do with Vaseline and started slowly putting the gianormous vibrator into her cheebye. The 2WO then turned on the power source and the torque on the vibrator was so huge that the daugther started rotating round and round with the vibrator still inside her cheebye squirming in pleasure. And with that the entire family started another rendition singing yet another NDP song going 'Deep in my heart, i just know, right from the start, we'll grow, look where we are, we've cum so far, there's still a long long way to go...' while vibrator's loud buzzing in the background clouded their voices.

The 2WO then went to explain saying: "Now that we're into the 21st Century, our esteemed leaders have forsee a need for Singapore to diversify into a new economy based on tertiary industries. My daughter is symbolises the new-economy while the ST manufactured vibrator shows how the GLC led Singaporean economy is able to diversify itself into tertiary industries. Notice how it's a high-tech vibrator not the usual dildo which is a relic from the old economy. The NTUC kaya which bears a distinct local flavour, symbolises how despite efforts to go international with our new-economy, we need a distinctively Singaporean brand to hold us all back to the Singaporean Heartland".

After like a million rounds round the vibrator, the 2WO disconnected the generator and his giddy daughter dismounted the vibrator and just slumped to the ground. At this point, the 2WO his wife, his son and the maid started to climb onto a table placed strategically above his young daughter. The 2WO then said: "And now for a metaphoric display of the recent NKF fiasco involving TT Durai and his golden tap". And with that, the whole family started to pee onto the young daughter below, who seemed to be relishing her bath in the golden shower. Then after the pee subsided, in his shrill voice, the 2WO gave yet another drill command "Lepaskan SPRING!" and with that cue, he and his son went counting '1 check, 1 check, 1 check, 1 check, 1" while pulling at their penises while the maid and the mother went below the table to join the daughter. At the last 'check', both the son and the 2WO came all over the maid, the mother, the daughter and the baby. Upon finishing his ejaculation, the 2WO went to a drill command shouting "Turun Senja Ta!!" And with that, both his and his son's penises went flaccid and dangled down.

With that, the entire family jumped up and ran towards the entire NDP committee and shouted 'Ta-DA!!!' and then gave a bow and skirtsy before going back into Senang Diri position, as if waiting for the affirmation nod from the committee.

The entire NDP organising committee was shell-shocked and they just sat there for the longest time with their jaws wide open but words just couldn't come out. Complete silence engulfing the entire room.

Finally, the Colonel recovers from his shock and managed to say: "Wah lan eh....that's one hell of an act. What do you call that?"

Then the entire family ran forward almost into the face of the Colonel with each posing in a cutsey V-Sign and shouting in glee and in unision: "WE ARE THE ANG MO KIO ARISTOCRATS"