to burn all apron strings
why is it that u are always the one to stand high upon the moral high ground delivering ur tirade of condescension upon me?
why is it that even when i try to rationalise against the tide of patronising opinion u have of me, i'm always deemed the sinner?
why is this such an asymmetrical relationship and that i'm always on the losing end?
why is it that every attempt by me to defend myself is unacceptable and would only subject myself to an endless barrage of pathetic attempts at emotional blackmailing that seek nothing more than a feeble attempt to make me guilty of myself?
and why is it that i'm always cowed into supressing my rage even when i dun try to defend myself, and allow u to drown me in ur judgement of me, wallowing in a the sense of indignity makes it even harder for me to swallow?
why am i always the one in the wrong?
let's just face it, the basis of our relationship is nothing more than a vested interest placed upon this intagible social contract which the rest of the world dub so idealistically as 'trust' or 'love'. i owe my sustenance to u and u in turn invest this sustenance in me with the hope of nothing more than a form of social security for youself. that is what it is.
even the fact of u giving me life does not arrogate yourself to be in a position to pass ur judgments on me, nor does it give u the divine right to use ur self-perceived sacrosanct position to impose your will upon me. i'm nothing more than a byproduct of an act of leisure the two of u partook in. there is no justification for u to preside over my entire existence on that basis of that. if there's anything that i could possibly learn from u, it is that the two of u served as the perfect negative demonstration of what i should never turn out to be. and at least on that count alone, i owe u my gratitude.
i never wanted anything more from u other than to fucking treat me as a matured individual. even when u asked me what i wanted for my 21st birthday, and i told u, all i wanted is a little more respect from you. but no! u always grudgingly gave things to me, like a bait to a fish, only to have it embellished with a layers of rhetoric in an elaborate emotional blackmail and revel in the gratification you have in the knowledge of the hold u have on me. a posession. an asset. one which u probably don't realise that is self-aware.
since i was sixteen, i am resigned to the fact that i'm nothing more than an investment, an asset to u. something for u to flaunt. and when it appears that this asset failed to bring u the returns which u expected, it is deemed a source of embarrassment. well if u dun realise by now, that feeling is mutual.
and if the only basis of our relationship is that of expediency, and with all the twisted gratification u derieve from this manipulation u have over this depreciating asset, i would most gladly dedicate my self-destruction in your honour, as the loving response to what u hypocritically deem as love. it will be the self-fulfilling prophesy that u willed. only when u give up on this investment, can i be free. and with goodwill, i shall seek my way in the world and should i make a fortune, i promise i will deliver u a cheque for the outlay u spent on this failed investment, a final gesture to annull this ill-informed investment decision.
perhaps i really am the expedient bastard you wanted believe that i am, or that i'm the callous fucker, the pet who cared not to hid beyond the tokenistic display of emotional rhetoric but only barked as a gesture for the need for sustenance. perhaps u never really believed in anything i did.
for that, i shall dedicate my self-imposed exile to the nadir, as a gift to you. it was afterall, where u always believed i will be.
yours' most unfillially,
the son-you-never-had
why is it that even when i try to rationalise against the tide of patronising opinion u have of me, i'm always deemed the sinner?
why is this such an asymmetrical relationship and that i'm always on the losing end?
why is it that every attempt by me to defend myself is unacceptable and would only subject myself to an endless barrage of pathetic attempts at emotional blackmailing that seek nothing more than a feeble attempt to make me guilty of myself?
and why is it that i'm always cowed into supressing my rage even when i dun try to defend myself, and allow u to drown me in ur judgement of me, wallowing in a the sense of indignity makes it even harder for me to swallow?
why am i always the one in the wrong?
let's just face it, the basis of our relationship is nothing more than a vested interest placed upon this intagible social contract which the rest of the world dub so idealistically as 'trust' or 'love'. i owe my sustenance to u and u in turn invest this sustenance in me with the hope of nothing more than a form of social security for youself. that is what it is.
even the fact of u giving me life does not arrogate yourself to be in a position to pass ur judgments on me, nor does it give u the divine right to use ur self-perceived sacrosanct position to impose your will upon me. i'm nothing more than a byproduct of an act of leisure the two of u partook in. there is no justification for u to preside over my entire existence on that basis of that. if there's anything that i could possibly learn from u, it is that the two of u served as the perfect negative demonstration of what i should never turn out to be. and at least on that count alone, i owe u my gratitude.
i never wanted anything more from u other than to fucking treat me as a matured individual. even when u asked me what i wanted for my 21st birthday, and i told u, all i wanted is a little more respect from you. but no! u always grudgingly gave things to me, like a bait to a fish, only to have it embellished with a layers of rhetoric in an elaborate emotional blackmail and revel in the gratification you have in the knowledge of the hold u have on me. a posession. an asset. one which u probably don't realise that is self-aware.
since i was sixteen, i am resigned to the fact that i'm nothing more than an investment, an asset to u. something for u to flaunt. and when it appears that this asset failed to bring u the returns which u expected, it is deemed a source of embarrassment. well if u dun realise by now, that feeling is mutual.
and if the only basis of our relationship is that of expediency, and with all the twisted gratification u derieve from this manipulation u have over this depreciating asset, i would most gladly dedicate my self-destruction in your honour, as the loving response to what u hypocritically deem as love. it will be the self-fulfilling prophesy that u willed. only when u give up on this investment, can i be free. and with goodwill, i shall seek my way in the world and should i make a fortune, i promise i will deliver u a cheque for the outlay u spent on this failed investment, a final gesture to annull this ill-informed investment decision.
perhaps i really am the expedient bastard you wanted believe that i am, or that i'm the callous fucker, the pet who cared not to hid beyond the tokenistic display of emotional rhetoric but only barked as a gesture for the need for sustenance. perhaps u never really believed in anything i did.
for that, i shall dedicate my self-imposed exile to the nadir, as a gift to you. it was afterall, where u always believed i will be.
yours' most unfillially,
the son-you-never-had
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