i still miss you...

it's been exactly a year from the day you've been gone. we may have moved on, the pain has since subsided. but things will never be the same. without your unbridled laughters, your endearing sarcastic remarks, those plot summaries you would always give me after a night of korean drama vcd marathon, the numerous rounds of street fights we fought on the super nintendo, your bitchings on that certain vegatable vendor who simply refused to give you that $0.20 discount and so much more, the house just feels so empty. having lived away from home for the greater part of the past year, there's always this lingering thought that somehow you would be there at home waiting for me. there's so much more i would have loved to share with you. my first girlfriend, my first championship win, my convocation, my first job, my marriage, the birth of my first kid...but all i can do now, is only to hold on to my memories of you, gratified at the wonderful times we shared, and pained by the persistence of these very memories that will simply be no more.

i hated myself for not fully comprehending the extent of your love to me when it mattered, i hated myself for being such an escapist, who sought solace by averting my sights from your afflicted body foolishly convincing myself that you'll always be there. i hated myself for not spending enough time to know you better, there is so much more that i could have done. to say that i miss you, is simply a feeble response to the immense regrets towards what i could have done, but didn't.

when i found out that even in your wretched state of health, you didn't forget to tailor me 3 sets of new pyjamas like you did every year and handed them to mum, telling her to give one to me for the next 3 subsequent chinese new years, i simply couldn't help but to break down and cry. crying over the regrets i feel, and crying in the knowledge that you wouldn't be there for any subsequent chinese new years anymore.

while i choose not to believe in the existence of an afterlife, some part deep down within me tells me, that i would really want to see you again. where i can finally telling you all that i wanted to say. ' 想在你耳边,轻轻说一句,新衣服哪有旧的好 '. 我一定会让你为我感到骄傲.我一定会.


姑妈, 我还是好想你...