the persistence of memory

i really don't know how to start. it's been such a dramatic evening. in the wise words from kaufmanian literature, 'consciousness is a curse, i think, i feel, therefore i suffer'. would devolvement from the past, and disregard for the future be a better way to live? to break away from the shackles of our past, the persistence of our memory, the ambivalent anxiety towards the yet to be and to live life as a fresh, untainted individual who lives just for the present.
the guy from 'Memento' was distraught, frustrated at not the fact that he cannot hold beyond what's happening now, not at the fact that he is essentially a separate psyche-identity beyond the functional period of his short-term memory, but the persistence of the only memories of his past that he so dearly hung on too. he probably would have been happier to just suffer from total outright ammensia.
things don't always go the way we want. and in the final reckoning, the source of everything that hurts us, or saddens us, is in fact the prevalence of a better-forgotten has-been. regret is to view from the present prespective relative to the past. the desire that something that we didn't want to occur didn't occur. and if we can't change the fact that something that we didn't want to occur has occurred, wouldn't the removal of the memory of such an incident, a detachment from the tormenting past, the abscence of a functional juxtaposation towards where we stand now, solve everything? it is not the removal of the possibility of any future but rather cutting the reins of the harness of the past that is key. bring on laguna inc.

we can never fathom humanity, for all the beauty, and creativity forces behind the human consciouness, there lies the dark underbelly of destruction.

the girlfriend of a good friend of mine had the misfortune to tread upon the latter. she suffers from depression, and took an overdose of medication during her bout of depression earlier in the evening. it was nothing but the haunting of a tormenting past. she was a victim of date rape a year ago. the motherfuckers wasn't there to hurt her anymore, we were all there to protect her. yet it was the flicker of the shadow of the fateful incident that left the undelible open wound on her. the stark realisation of the ugly side of in-humanity, and the disgust i feel to anyone who could actually be so devoid of conscience really hit me hard. it was even much more heart wrenching to hear her utter between sobs 'Why did they rape me! They took something very precious away from me you know!' I will remember the tone of her voice, the utter devastation veiled beyond the mere facade of what was to most just a crime, for as long as i live. a crime isn't just a crime, it isn't just a mere violation of what the penal code states, it only when one considers the consequences and the gravity an action has on an individual, that we can truly appreciate the extent of the damage it created. while we talk about moral relativity and the empty philosophical talk about how morality is just an artificial devise conceived for it's functional value in societal engineering, there simply can be no moral ambiguity towards certain things.
the next stark realisation is that the nature of humanity seems to be the extent of the dark side of humanity, and one's capacity of vengeance. in the abscence of any clear immediate resolution, the first thing that came to my mind was very primodially simple, how to hunt the bastard and exact an equally if not greater damage in retaliation to his act. it is this mentality that perpetuates conflict, few wars were ended with an amicable conflict resolution, it usually ends with the absolute destruction of one party, and very often, the humanity, compassion, and perhaps rationality of even the victor who exacted the coup-de-grace. the questions on closure, of how to alleviate pain didn't come before that. it was just, 'kill the bastard'. humanity's capacity for destruction for whatever cause, really frightens me. no cause, nor rationale can EVER justify or glorify the destruction it created in its path.

it was fortunate that the 10 panadols she downed didn't cause much damage and thankfully she needed nothing more that a bottle of mineral water and lots of puke, primative stomach pumping - the untrained way.

we are so often subsumed by our own anger, and frustration towards what has already became reality, so much so that we forsake what's still in our hands. but is to break free from our past that easy? i can only pray that she can see what's truly the treasure in front of her, the love and concern she has and will have and beyond the glitch of a terrible misfortune. perhaps consciousness is indeed a curse, a two-edged sword that amplifies unhappiness yet sustains us with the beauty and zest for life. perhaps only when we break free from any emotions towards the past, be it euphoria or devastation, that we can enjoy an eternal sunshine on a spotless mind.

“How happy is the blameless Vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot: Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each prayer accepted, and each wish resign’d

Emancipation! ORD LOH

This has to be the first time in weeks, or rather empircally speaking a whole month since i last gathered enough resolve not to play romance of the three kingdoms and choosing instead to update my archaic blog when i turn on my com. oh well. the most significant progress in my hedonistically boring life is of course, MY NEWLY REGAINED STATUS AS A CIVILIAN!!!!! yes it's official. the rites are completed, the rite of passage journeyed, and the symbol of my enfrancishment as part of the civilian society and my emancipation from military jurisdiction regained - my PINK IC!
Next is of course, the reason why the past month has been hedonistically boring. nothing constructive went underway, with the exception of my confirmed enrollment into UWA and the SGX trader course which i took last week, the past month has been all about snooker, romance of the three kingdoms, screwing up my biological clock waking up after 12 everyday, and the whole process just repeats itself. In the spirit of my blog, this is truly a carthatic lifestyle, making up for the loss pleasures and oppression for the past 2 1/2 yrs.
Speaking of 2 1/2 yrs, the lucky bastards to be borne after 1984 have it really lucky. In a display of nepotism at it's best, the minister of defence has suddenly decided to make NS, national slavery 2 yrs regardless of education level! Not a surprise if u consider that Teo Chee Hian's son has just enlisted. well i can't say for sure if the new rule affects those already enlisted, but nevertheless, i do wonder why my parents didn't plan my conception in tandem with some other white horse.....
It's Euro 2004 month as well, which probably explains why i'm actually blogging and not playing game cos' i'm waiting for Germany vs Holland to kick off. Went for a usual game of snooker with BQ and went selegie for supper after that. what defined the evening was perhaps me driving BQ's lorry around the parking lot while he was busy listening to his ex pouring sorrows. This is where it gets rather interesting. Throughout supper, BQ was on the phone with his ex who's apparantly having some problems with her current, who happens to be BQ's cousin....pretty incestuous i must say. While it was sweet of BQ to listen to her and serve as an outlet of her carthatic therapy, what i couldn't agree with was the way he insidiously suggested to her to break-up. Apparantly there are some fault lines between his relationship with his cousin as well, which BQ spared no effort in embellishing it as a package in his effort to persuade his ex to breakup. If it wasn't the fact that we went through shithole together for almost 2 yrs, i would probably perceive him to be the despicable bastard. I mean, how is not paying for food, asking for loans, taking free cigarettes perpetually, unintentional bad-mouthing or even one's lacksadisical nature has any bearings on whether a girl decides to break up with the cuz cos if anything, it sounds more like reasons for BQ to disown that loser cousin of his. unless of course the relationship is indeed an incestuous love triangle, a scenario which i seriously do not wish to ponder.... How is it that a relationship can be so complicated? This reminds me of Li Qinglong and his stories of how ke gu min xin his relationship with his ex was, how he got a tattoo after their breakup etc. I seem to have a weird idea that deep inside, most young people have a deviated wish to screw up their relationships in their sub-conscious bid to achieve what would constitute perhaps in their opinion the greatest love tragedy since Romeo and Juliet. In chinese, they would call it Yong Ren Zi Rao. In truly a carthatically Ah Q criticism on all love birds, i'm so glad i'm not tied down by any constraints of affection now. And maybe that's just a self-deluded sub conscious outburst to my pathetically empty life. If i'm reading this when i'm forty and still virgin in every sense, that would probably be the last thing on my mind. just wondering if i'm forty and reading this, wonder if the Germany Holland match would be a classic?
now for the kick off.