a rite of passage completed

i officially turn 21 today....sigh. it's a paradoxical feeling. on the one hand i revel in the new found legal-binding franchise and attainment of fully-fledged citizenry. on the other hand, i mourn the passing of yet more youthful years of carefree ambivalence. with greater power comes greater responsibility. for far too long have i languished in the nadir of underachievement and the loss of self-belief. it is far overdue that i have to face up with the responsibility and accountability to my state of being in the future by getting my act together now. as age passes by, the more overated a birthday feels. the greatest gift i could ever receive from my parents, are certainly not the digital camera or a supplementary card i received, nor the MD player the year before, but rather what i told them when they asked what i wanted - the recognition and acceptance of me as an individual, independent in my thoughts and direction in life, and not a biological product that by default subjects me to their perception of how i should become as a person. of course i do appreciate that most of these are attributed to their concern me, and that at many a time my actions hardly justifies my age. but is maturity simply making your bed and tidying your room everyday? maybe. but emotionally and intellectually, i do consider myself not below the standard of an average adult. there are after all many grown man or women who fail to take responsibility in their own life or even that of their kids even at the age of 40. it is perhaps right to say that maturity has hardly anything to do with one's biological clock but rather the mentality. with that in mind, it is time that i start shaping my own destiny in a responisble way.
happy birthday.

the mr hyde in everyone of us

Tickle's original inkblot test result:

'your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core. '


gee, am i really such a pacifist? well maybe. i always thought at times that my unwillingness to be confrontational might be my downfall. not only confrontational in the inter-person sense but also the notion of dealing with inner demons and the struggle within, esp with procrastination et al. whatever.

the enigmatic farewell

it's finally my turn to clear leave now. the long awaited event, greatly underated. it was inconceivable back then, two years ago, that a sense of loss, nostalgia and even a little sadness would overshadow the joy of ORD. spent my last night there eating night snack and talking to platoon 4 for one last time. i was initially at a loss for words actually, but eventually found the voice to say what i truly wanted to say. that much as we hate army, and reluctant as we are, we have to admit that this is when we are polished from boys to men. and that while platoon 4 may not be the fastest or fittest platoon, the strength we have lies in our strong unity and brotherhood - like when the non-swimmers encouraged each other and did pumping together cos no one wanted to come in first, or when zhizhao and gang jumped into the pool without thought in order to save letchu from 'drowning'. these are the friendships that will keep them going well beyond their ord. the frens you make in army will be your frens for life. 'at the end of the day, when you are about to ord and look back at your 2 years' i said. ' you will realise that it is not the fact that you achieved ippt gold or marksman whatever, but rather the amazing memories that you all shared as buddies as friends that would be what you treasure for the rest of your life' and of course, not wasting this opportunity of the frendship talk, i chastise the 2 Kings of Fighters, 'Batman' nathan, and martin for disrupting platoon morale and forced them to share one cigarette at a time during smoking break in order to forge unity. then spent the rest of the night taking photos and 'taun-ning' to watch chelsea vs monaco.
woke up at eleven the next day...that's ord mood for you! took photo with p.o.s and extended my hand for a somewhat reconcilliatory handshake and wished him all the best. guess that's why ppl say, at your deathbed, all enemity vaporises.
the rest of the afternoon was spent at the mess playing pool and stuff. now that i've gone, it's just john and peter pan left in camp. sigh...with militarism consuming the past 2 yrs of my life, what am i to do with this new found freedom??

for lack of creativity on title: blog entry 170404

pretty slack week. bmt just started and the cpls are now unofficially, or perhaps officially non-existent. hardly see my platoon these days. with almost all the old almond cpls clearing leave, the nostalgia and sentimentalism greatly diminishes too. guess it might be better this way, being the last few to leave, the anxiety to regain freedom supercedes any last strands of sentimental attachments to Bravo Coy. it's the right time to leave too, bravo is at the threshold of an era - the kennedy adminstration. in army at least, an openly dictatorial regime is arguably better than an insidiously faux-democratic, elitist management. the former becos of the many token AARs that seek to 'hear the views on the ground' and then placate the teeming rank and file by avoiding to answer the root of the questions or extending way beyond the original topic. the latter cos al presidente kennedy seem to think that the only commanders in bravo are the officers. and considering that he is even capable of threatening to make specialists march with the recruits, it perhaps serves only to highlight the failure of the officer cadet school to bridge the decision makers and the ground with the faux-superiority and self-righteousness it inevitably ingrains in its cadets. whatever.
sold my DS duty to winnie and booked out happily for my weekend. had dinner with chen and xander @ st julien in fullerton waterboat house as an early celebration of my 21st birthday. pretty decent place though the ambience appear to be slightly overated. they say the only child in the family has problems making friends and all the sociopathic shit. yet i guess the lack of sibling kinship is more than made up by a greater sense towards friendships. like what i said to chen and xander, they're like the closest thing i would ever have to siblings. and that's why they ain't my friends, they are brothers.
after dinner we went down (or more appropriately up) to City Space at swissotel. drinks are pretty ok priced, but they've got some pretty uber bourgeoise shit in the menu - some iranian caviar that costs a whooping $500 ++ for 50 gms. now i do want to give my brothers a decent treat but that's way way way outta my league. the view at the 70th storey is panaromic to say the least. it sort of reminds u how insignificant everything is and that in the bigger scheme of things nothing really matters at all. yet at the same time u can't help but to submit yourself to the grandeur and inspiring view of the entire night cityscape of singapore. well anyway the taint on the perfect evening lie in the fact that we couldn't get the window seats which in hindsight might have been even therapeutic in coaxing chen to face up with his fear of heights.....

end of season review

had a busy week. stayed in for the entire week since sunday night and only booked out on thurs night. took a lwe only to spend it watching u-14s @ rjc. like wat the dictators said, it was the blood spilled by the seniors that paved the way for a path of lesser resistance for this u-14 team. from facing yishun town, chij tp and acsi in the premilinary and clinching all three, to winning nanhua and chij tp (albeit scrappily) in the quarters and semis respectively, the young dictators couldn't have had it easier. in the final reckoning in the grand final, the greeness and the fallability of the young dictators were exposed to a sublimely talented acsi team in a 7-2 defeat on the motion THBT to prevent wars, countries must prepare for wars, with chs opposing. i must say, it was probably one of the most lucky campaigns we ever had and certainly the least heartbreaking amongst all defeats at grand finals. with joel, bryan, andre and ze yi, the future looks promising for the dictators. it is now then a matter of translating their raw talents into championship winning materials, a lesson painfully learnt from this yr's team 1. so what can i say? without anymore tournaments coming up, there seem to be a sense of void and malfulfillment too. the disappointment of missing out on JG title for yet another year. but with 2 championships, a final spot, a semi-final exit and a hugely disappointing quarterfinal exit, this is indeed a golden harvest for CHS, and the first in many more to come! and in the light of how our perennial underdogs finally overcame us this time round after several consecutive defeats, to sum up the future of the dictators - the best is yet to be.

'cos' i want it all, or nothing at all, is this how it ends?....'

the chapter ends here. on 020404 1915 hrs, Catholic High team 1 competed in their last career match in the secondary school debating circuit. we lost unanimously (and justifiably) to R.I team 1 on the motion THW let parents choose the sex of their children, in a match that could have been won.
Like many other previous Catholic High teams, they have to carry the baggage of defeat, of underachievement and simply not living up to their destiny of translating potential into championship credentials. team 1 is argueably the best secondary team in its time.
But unlike their predecessors, they achieved unprecedented success in 2 other competitions and hopefully have the cushion of the sense of camaraderie, of brotherhood and great memories to soften their fall from grace. they were wonderful lads who certainly went beyond most expectations to have achieved so much. a year ago when they were still CHS team 2, no one expected them to achieve a double championship victory. and by that in its own right, vindicates all disappointment.
Zhengyu, the prodigal son who had the courage to acknowledge his flaws and build upon his limited capacity in his bid to constantly improve himself to become what he is today. it is a good thing to be a good debater, but an even greater thing to reflect upon mistakes and in the process of self-reflection acknowledge one's shortcomings and emerge as a better person.
Mark, the pivot and leader of the pack who at so many occasions bore the brunt of the responsibility in so many debates. he is certainly by far the greatest gem the Catholic High system uncovered. humility with ingenuity. you will go on to achieve great things. and let the catholic high experience serve as a treasured part of your team's collective psyche and serve to feed your hunger for glory in the future.
Amoz, the wild card of the team, who has improved most exponentially. While inconsistent, at his best, amoz brings out the zenith in catholic high's debating tradition. let not disapointment tarnish the wonderful times you guys shared as a team but rather the process of self-improvement and passion you had as a CHS debater / 'dictator' feed the memories. you are very talented in your own special way.
and to Bryan and Owen 'Orang Laut' Ocktrindo, the unsung heroes who never fail to contribute immensely to the team's success. i remember the time when xander recognised your efforts and offered both of you a chance to speak at VCS. in not wanting to compromise team dynamics, you chose to forsake perhaps your only opportunity to debate in a competition for the collective good. for your selflessness and big hearts, you guys deserve a good jack! =p

it will always be an unrequitted dream for me to not see Cat High win JGs. considering the fact that i'll be going overseas soon, this may well be the last full season i'll be watching. whatever things may turn out to be, my hearts will always be with the dictators. for that unfulfilled ambition, and for all the fun we had over the years, thank you Catholic High. GONG JIAO! (OEI!) GONG JIAO! (OEI!) GONG JIAO! (EH BAH!!)

I never had a dream come through
till the day when i found you
even though i pretended that i've moved on
......a part of me will always be with you